My Story

It’s 2016, I hated school. I wouldn’t speak to anyone outside my social bubble, I was being bullied at school, I disliked myself and my body and was feeling stressed about doing my GCSE’s. I would say my mental health started to deteriorate at this time. I was 15, who were these voices in my head? I didn’t know anything about mental health, why was I feeling like this? I just couldn’t understand it. It wasn’t like a physical pain where I could show somebody what was wrong and then it would be fixed and heal itself. I did some stupid things that I regret now but this is why I wanted to tell my story. People have told me at this time I would go through a day with just eating an apple and water. Seems mad to me now but I hated my body and I was conscious about my weight. Now looking back at that time, it just wasn’t me.

For my 16^th Birthday I was brought a dog. We named him Milo. This was a huge positive for me. I believe he was brought for a reason. It was different talking to Milo. I could tell him about the way I was feeling. I’m not saying people weren’t there for me but it was different with Milo. He wasn’t going to tell me off for the way I was feeling, he wasn’t going to judge me. He was just always there when I needed him.

It’s now 2017, I have Milo and my friends and family, but I am still feeling crap. I can’t see any progression in my life, nothing is getting better. I don’t want to talk to anyone about the way I was feeling. I had locked myself away from my friends and family. No one knew how I was feeling and I didn’t want to talk anyway as I didn’t think they would understand. Everyone seemed to pass it off as me just being a grumpy teenager. People always say “Oh yeah I know how your feeling, it’ll be alright.” but I knew it wouldn’t, this was deeper than that. This went on for a few months where I was thinking things I don’t want to go in to detail about, until one day I ended up at Sandwell hospital. My memories of that time are a bit blurred but I remember someone called Hayley saying to me that they would be able to get me help, but don’t remember anything else about them. I know my mum was worried about me at this time and really wanted to get me some help. This is when I was referred to CAMHS.

When I first arrived at CAMHS I wondered why I was there, why would I want to talk to anyone about the way I was feeling? Especially a stranger? Then I met Liz, it was the same at first as she was a stranger to me but then I guess I started to feel more comfortable around her. She talked to me about everyday things which helped so I eventually started opening up to her. I was still feeling crap and it just felt like it was never going to end, I was never going to feel any different, and I would be with CAMHS forever.

After I finished school at 16 before going to college I went to NCS over the summer where I went with a couple of mates and then there were a load of other people I hadn’t met before. I really didn’t want to be around people I didn’t know at this time. We were put in to groups and one of our tasks was to write a short story. Fortunately my mate Amar chose to do it. Later on, I decided that I wanted to tell my story. No idea why the sudden change in mind, I think I thought “…well if I want to stop feeling like this, I’m going to have to do something about it”. So I wrote my story out about how I was feeling and prepared to present it to everyone else. I stood up, in the middle of everyone. There must have been about 80-90 people staring at me waiting for me to read out my story, although at this time, no one had any idea of what I was about to say. I did it……I stood there and told my story to a bunch of strangers. I think this was a real breakthrough for me, I had never done anything like this before. Afterwards people were coming up to me and telling me how hard that must have been to tell everyone how I was feeling. Others then said they had also felt some of things that I was feeling but never had spoke up about it. Especially the lads as we are all told that we need to be macho and not show our weakness or cry, it’s not what men do apparently.

It’s now the end of 2017, I did pretty well in my GCSE’s I have finished my sessions with CAMHS and have learnt to deal with the dark forces in my head. I look back now and wonder why I was stressing so much?!? By no means is my journey over but I feel as though with the help from CAMHS and doing my speech at NCS there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

Both 2018 and 2019 were much better years. I understood how I was feeling and I had learnt how to deal with it. I started going to watch football matches on my own again, which was a huge step for me as only a few short years back I wouldn’t even eat in front of anyone else. For me now as I sit here telling my story in the midst of the Covid-19 pandemic, I am struggling with my motivation to do the things I enjoy. This usually consists of exercising by walking the dog and trying to get down the gym when I can. I am learning to play the guitar and I also enjoy filming and photography which is why I made a short film about my story. Whilst I am struggling for motivation to do these things I am very much looking forward to starting University in September. I see this as a new start for me. I know it is going to be tough being away from my friends and family (and Milo of course) and being surrounded by people I don’t know but I feel ready for the challenge. I am looking forward to meeting new people but am also anxious at the same time. I have already scoped out the support that is on offer for me from the University but hope to face many of the challenges on my own.

In terms of my family life, my mum and dad have separated and I have no brothers or sisters but as previously mentioned I have Milo and some close friends I think of as brothers. My mum and I are quite similar and often end up clashing together which I don’t want as she means everything to me. I have now opened up to my dad about the way I was feeling which was tough, but really helped. Through doing this I also found out that my dad and my uncles had struggled with their mental health and were also fighting their own mental battles.    

I have a friend who is also struggling with his mental health and I keep saying to him how much better it has made me feel once I had opened up to someone and got the help that I needed. It’s frustrating and so it gives me an idea about how much my mum must have got frustrated with me when I didn’t want any help. If I could go back and talk to myself now I would say, I know how you’re feeling. I know right now it feels like it’s never going to end and that talking to anyone is scary and it’s the last thing on your mind because no one will understand and it is so overwhelming. But it really will, once you take those first few steps you will start to realise that you’re not alone and that there are people there who can help you make sense of what you’re feeling. 

Liz at CAMHS was a huge help for me and if you asked me if there was anything that you could have improved upon, I would say I found it difficult understanding where to go for support once I left CAMHS. I felt a bit like now I was an adult I had to work it out for myself. For me, I have managed to find the support around me and have received support from college as well as preparing my support when I go to Uni.