A mothers fight for life.....
Anxiety and depression have stolen parts of my life from me, and from my family. Time that I will never get back.Sometimes it has been months, but there have also been years that have been lost forever.The darkness is so overwhelming it chokes the life out of you, you are existing but you are not alive. Fear and loneliness is your blanket, it is wrapped around you tightly where ever you go.You can not function, your basic life skills fail you, family and friends think you are getting lazy and you can't be bothered. You can hear them say "what is wrong with her?" " is she losing it?" You become isolated and withdrawn. You are an embarrassment to your family and to yourself. You are diagnosed with a mental illness, but the stigma that comes with it can be as crippling as the condition. You are told to "get on with things" and "pull yourself together " and stop using "it" as an excuse. You are made to feel like a failure, you are incomplete, a reject, not fit for purpose. You start to believe it and know that everyone would be able to get on with their lives better if you where not there. You are a nuisance. You are unable to care for your children, how can you lose that maternal, nurturing, instinct that was so strong before? Being a mother, the thing that gave you joy and a reason to live, it seems so far from your reach, will you ever get it back? Will things ever be the same? You feel guilty, family and friends have tried, but their patience has worn out. You keep trying to get out of the cage you are in and back to the "real" world, but you are so exhausted you can barely keep your eyes open some days. You wish that someone would help you, break you free from the pain and the prison you are in. Even when you have days that you are able to function in the "real" world, you feel a fraud, because it is not really you, it's an act you have to put on to fit in, to get by. No one knows how you are really feeling, and what it takes for you to get out of bed and get washed and dressed. The panic that takes a grip of your body, sometimes prevents you from going outside, it has control of you now, panic is the master, panic is calling the shots. You are screaming for help, but no one can hear you. You are desperate, you will do what it takes to get "well"......
There is hope, please be encouraged. This is an update of my fight.Along my journey I was invited to The Recovery College. I expressed an interest to become a volunteer.Attending The Recovery College as a student and a volunteer, has given me confidence and a purpose. It has made me feel alive.
Before attending the college I did not go out much. It has been 4 years since I was in employment, attending the college has given me confidence to apply for a job. Because I felt safe and valued at the college, it gave me the courage to talk about and accept my mental illness, which I have never been able to do before. I had come to a stop, but I am now moving forward. "
We are privileged to hear peoples stories of hope and their courage in battling to overcome their difficulties . We are proud that for this particular person the college has in partnership with her own inner strength has helped her to achieve her hopes and dreams.
Another busy week here in the college....as well as our regular drop-in for potential students on Monday, we have delivered a mental health awareness session in Wolverhampton, a volunteering workshop, spirituality course and suicide prevention training for BCPFT staff.
Our February courses are filling up quickly so if you would like to attend please contact the college and we can check if there are places left.
have a lovely weekend!
Have a great Christmas and New Year !!